Well, it's been a long time since I posted, & to be honest, I'm not sure anyone reads this anyway. Even I had almost forgotten about it. As of my last posting I was 438lbs. I wish I could tell you guys I have found the secret - the magic answer - or even a way to get my own eating under control. But the truth is I spent the summer on one endless food binge, & it seems to be continuing into the fall. I am now weighing in at 465lbs. Im still walking, but it's definitely a VERY slow, side to side waddle now. Resting to catch my breath is necessary after a minute or two, and the burning pain I get in my lower back from standing or walking has gotten almost unbearable. Im still gaining mostly in my stomach, which is now hanging low enough to be a huge issue with clothes, balance, etc. Ive also got the double belly syndrome - my upper roll is so big & round that its out like a beach ball, & fold over my belly button. then my lower "apron," is what is heavy & hanging. Life is not easy now. Staying home, relaxing in bed eating is the easiest thing these days. It takes forever to get up, to go anywhere, to do anything. It hurts. But still I eat. Go figure.
Gotta Get This Weight Off
Welcome to the world of a 30 yr old, 5'3", 435lb lady who is desperate to lose weight. Programs, plans, pills, - been there done that. Lost 100+lbs 3 tims to only gain even more. But now my health & mobility are at stake. Ive got to get this weight off.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Well, I haven't written in a good while because basically I have nothing to say. I have not been able to make any changes it seems, and have only added 3 more lbs, bringing me to 438lbs. My body is in so much pain that I have literally been doing nothing but laying in bed and eating when I am not at work. Im searching for other people who have been this heavy and managed to get weight off. Like I said before, even a little fat gone would help at this point. I realize I probably won't ever lose 300+ lbs like I should. But I know there is nothing cute, sexy, healthy, or appealing about a 30 year old woman so fat she can barely walk 20 feet without gasping for air. HELP!!!
Monday, May 15, 2006
Welcome to my first posting. It is Monday, May 16th, 2006, 12:15pm.
Why I am doing this blog? I have no idea really. I've never done this sort of thing before. I do not intend to "advertise" or even mention this to those I know. Maybe I'm hoping somebody who has "been there" or is where I am will stumble across this, and leave me encouraging remarks. Or maybe it's pure self-therapy. Whatever the case, here goes.
The acceptable truth: I am 30 years old, female, single, 5'3" light brown hair just past my shoulders, green eyes. I am kind, compassionate, affectionate, loving, nurturing, out-spoken, opinionated, outgoing, work full time, and have a lot of other aspects to my life as well.
The painful truth: As of this moment, I weigh 435lbs. I have a severe food addiction. And it is killing my body & my mobility. And still I continue to eat, and to get bigger. And no, it wasn't supposed to be this way. I expected to be married, with kids, the dogs, the house, the works by now. I have the dogs, I have the house, but no husband to sleep with at night. Just a lot of excess fat.
I was a fat kid, fat teen, and now a very fat adult. I have lost & regained hundreds of lbs. Ive been on every diet, plan, program, pill, hypnosis, therapy, out there. My insurance will not cover weight loss surgery, and for some odd reason, the doctor says I would actually have to lose weight before having it done anyway. And like i said, with a food addiction, all the programs in the world won't work if you keep on eating. A typical food day? I wont list my meals, but lets say I put away more in one day than an average man does in several days. I eat one never-ending meal. Food consumes me.Thoughts of it, when can I get it? What can I have? One breakfast is never enough. Breakfast leads to candy bars, to donuts, to chips, lunches of several burgers, fries, shakes, sometimes salads, veggies (yes, I do like healthy food,) which leads to afternoon snacks of more chips, soda (ironically the diet variety) candy bars, pastries, cookies, wich leads to a taco bell stop on the way home, followed by a dinner of steak, lasagna, pizza, chicken -c whatever it happens to be and that leads into a night of hot dogs, macaroni & cheese, ice cream, cookies, candy, frozen burritos - you get the picture. I eat all day. I work in an office. My desks are both crammed with food. I eat in the car. I eat in bed. I eat during the night. I eat I eat I eat. And no matter how hard I try, or how many times I tell myself "tomorrow will be different," it never is. I eat, and I gain more weight.
My body is suffering. My feet, one knee, and back hurt terribly after even a few minutes of standing. Walking hurts too, and I can usually go about 40feet before being too out of breath to continue without resting first. What used to be a body is now this walking mass of fat. My calfs are huge, and the fat rolls over my ankles. My thighs are massive, dimply, and the rolls cascade over my kneecaps. My hips, rear, back and belly are also "wide-loads." Carrying 300 extra pounds of fat is extremly difficult. My arms are like two huge sausags, with the upper arms hanging like flags & fat rolling over my elbows. I have one huge chin that jiggles when I move my mouth, which is obviously often. My breats, also huge from fat, are like 2 long full hanging torpedos. But, as my doctor keeps telling me is a very bad thing, my stomach, or belly, as some refer to them, seems to get the most of the weight, and after losing & gaining hundreds over lbs over & over believe me, the elasticisy of the skin is no longer there at all. I read somewhere that they call what I have a "double belly," meaning the top part is like a big round beach ball so distended in front of me I can barely reach the front of it, and the bottom or "apron" as it is called, has become so thick & heavy that I have this huge amount of fat that hangs freely, and now reaches about mid thigh area. The doctor calls it a grade 4 pannus. That probably causes me the most trouble, because it presents major challneges in movement. Its so low that nothing covers it up totally, and when I walk toward you its definitely what you notice first, because it jiggles back and forth. It takes both hands to lift it up, and dealing with rashes, the weight of it on my thighs, etc., is getting overwhelming. I lose my breath if I try to bend over, but with the big beach ball I have in front of me, bending isnt really possible anyway. I cannot allow my neices to sit in my lap, because when I am seated there is no lap there - my stomach protrudes to the very edge of where my lap should be. My breathing is awful, my body aches all the time, my doctor is suggesting a mobility scooter. I exceed the weight limit for the ones in the stores, but I understand they make special ones for very obsese people. But I want to get rid of this fat, not make accomodations for it. I have to have a seatbelt extender in my own car even, haven't sat in a chair with arms in years, & unless its a guarantee that the armrests raise up, going to the movies, theatre, etc is out. I take up 2 seats easily. I love to eat out, but thats an issue too with chairs - I am always worried I will break them & usually there is no way to wedge myself in a booth. Because I have to stop so frequently, walking is something I avoid as much as possible. It hurts, and I am very very slow and unsteady. I have even looked into having a panniculectomy, which is where they simply remove the huge apron of fat. However, even though they do it on obese people, they want you have stabalized your weight for a year, & so far, I am steadily gaining. Ive been asked if I was having twins many times. And the days of wearing cute, stylish clothes are long gone. Stretch pants, when I can find them to fit around me and leave room enough for my stomach, or either blousy dresses, are my usual attire. I wear slip on shoes because I cannot bend over to tie others. Getting dressed, showering, standing to apply makeup - it all leaves me exhausted. I sleep on my stomach, because my lungs are too compressed by fat for me to be able to breathe properly on my back. I am a spectacle. People whisper, teens laugh, kids stare.
Movement gets harder and more painful all the time, and yet the compulsion to eat is so strong I still devour as much as is possible. Writing this posting I have eaten 4 double cheeseburgers and 3 larges fries, with a Strawberry shake. I try & try to stop, but I always give in, and my body gets fatter.
So - this is where I am today, right now. Do I have the answers? If I did, believe me, I would be in a bikini. Now, don't misunderstand. I'm not saying larger people are ugly. It's just that there is a difference between being a plus sized lady and a lady who is so fat she can barely get around on her own. Yes, my friends and family worry and tell me they wish I would lose some weight, and sometimes they comment on my increasing size. But my pride will not allow me to tell them I am a food addict, and that I cannot stop eating. I've had all the medical tests done - my thyroid is fine, so I cannot blame that. I have high blood pressure, very high cholesterol, and am now borderline diabetic. I have to go to the local hospital to weigh, as my own doctors scales will not accomodate me. And even my own doctor doesnt know how to help me at this point. Everytime I see her I am bigger than before.
So - what to do? I have no idea. I KNOW I need srious help. I KNOW this fat will kill me - it already feels like it is little by little. And I know that NO 5'3" person should weigh in at 435lbs. I KNOW I am 300lbs overweight. And I KNOW I have to get a handle on my food addiction. I know ALL of this, but the addiction winds - I keep eating - get depressed - cry a lot, and get a lot fatter. And yes, I am only 30 years old.
I have no magic plan. I just know somehow, someway there has to be a way put of this nightmare unless Im destined to be bedridden and so heavy I cannot sit up on my own. I never expected to be so close to 500lbs. And believe me, until you've carried this much fat, 24/7, there is NO way you can truly understand how this feels. But I have to do something. I am desperate. I will do anything. I need help. And today I decuided to write about it for some reason, and be honest about all the facts I don't even like to admit to myself
I'll write when I can - success or failure. Gain or loss. I hope to at least find a way to cut down, and to be honest, even shedding the 36 lbs to get me under 400 again would help.
Feel free to comment - please be nice - believe me, I already face criticism and condemnation every day. I KNOW I am fat, & don't need anyone pointing that out. But someone who has been there, or who understands or even cares, would be nice to hear from.
I have GOT to get this weight off!